Although information is not a solution in itself it is a necessary ingredient in a long term solution for an unwanted behavior. Some starting points:
Another three days and still porn free.
It’s now been 22 days since I started this journey of healing. I’m happy to say that I’ve not used media in any way for self stimulation for all of these 3 weeks.
Just to be clear. I’m not taking a stand on whether porn is good or bad, and I believe that individuals and couples can use porn without major negative effects.
What I am saying is that I can not use porn without severe ill effects in my life. It’s for this reason that I’m trying to change my life in this “fight” against porn. This is a personal fight for inner victory, not a crusade against an imagined outside foe.
As for my struggles, there are three major issues I’ve dealt with since my last post, almost two weeks ago:
- I told my spouse about me problem and my struggles. She was incredibly supportive and as I suspected, knew all about it. She’s not judgmental but she admitted to being very concerned about the size of my porn collection when she stumbled upon it one day. She is now part of my team and I honestly feel proud that I told her, even though I’m ashamed of my overuse of porn.
- Speaking of my porn collection; I erased it all. It felt weird and I felt a sudden urge to “just watch it one more time” before I threw it away. After three weeks I somehow feel like I have more power to direct may energy away from porn.
- Today I masturbated for the first time since I quit porn. I was deadly scared of it for the first week since it had become synonymous with porn in my mind. The second and third week, I simply did not have the urge. I do believe that if I tried to deny myself masturbating I would be doomed to fail, so I did it without using porn. It doesn’t have the same excitement factor without the porn, but then again, almost nothing does when the mind has become so used to the imagery.
Although the last few weeks have been tough for other personal reasons, I’m very proud of my success in the struggle against porn in my life. I feel that I am regressing a bit in using other forms of procrastination in lieu of porn (games, online video, endless reading) but that is a small price to pay. It’s a problem to deal with later when the bigger scourge is cleansed.
Stay free from your personal daemons.
Phew! It’s been a whole week and I’m still clean. As strange as it may sound having to “report” to this blog, even though I don’t think anyone is reading this, has helped immensely. It pops into my mind when I’m about to stray off track, and reminds me about why I’m stopping.
Porn urges, images, and fantasies still pop frequently into my mind. My best way to negate them has been to not fight them. When I’m successful they wash through me, like a bad feeling.
Not using porn as a stress reliever has increased my stress noticeably. You could perhaps call it withdrawal effects, and it has caused me some trouble in focusing on work. I’ve had a minor case of bad temper this week. It’s worth it though.
A great side effect of this week was great sex tonight with my wife. I hope this is indicative of future closeness between us.
Here’s for next week of staying porn free.
4 days later and I’m still porn free. First thoughts:
- I have more time. It’s incredible how much time I spent browsing for porn. It wasn’t just the act of masturbating, I had also created a ritual - a kind of foreplay, if you will - that happened beforehand. So letting go of this powerfully destructive habit, I have had more time to use on productive things that make me happy.
- I’ve already had more intimate conversation and lovemaking with my wife. In just 4 days, this could be a coincidence, but I highly doubt that.
- I’m home alone as a write this, and using this blog as a motivator and a reason to do something else is helping a bunch. I purposefully started a computer game when the stress urge came up to release it in a “better” way. It was one of the most powerful “highs” I got out of pornography; the only time I could let go of all my stress and focus on a single thing.
- I have not meditated once. That’s alright, I didn’t exactly expect it. Just the fact that I haven’t used any kind of media for porning (or masturbated at all, although I’m not denying myself that) is a powerful message to myself that my conscious thought is more powerful than my drives.
Hoping to stay porn free another 4 days.
The first thing I will need to figure out is how I will relieve stress. My pattern right now is that if I’m alone and stressed I use some kind of sexual stimulant to “escape”.
I will try to do one of two things:
- Meditate. This is a bit far out for me, but I´ll at least give it a shot.
- Play video games. This is not an ideal solution, but at least one I know works. It is the lesser of two evils; procrastinating using gaming instead of porn.
Stay porn free.
This blog will journal my fight against my porn addiction. It sounds so weird throwing it out there like that, but there it is!
I have no clue what will happen here, but I hope my life will change dramatically over the course of this year.